See the Live Talking Monkey!!!
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Thank you for stopping by to see the Live Talking Monkey! Please scroll down to see the latest posts, check out the different pages up above, and if this is your first time here, click on one of the categories to the left to see some of my older posts, (the older posts are much better, the new stuff is all crap). Leave a comment to let me know who you are and where you’re from. If you see anything you like please pass it along, (email, Facebook, Carrier Pigeon, whatever!), and thanks again for stepping into my tent!
Talking Monkey @ June 21, 2010
Monkeywise
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(Just a few random thoughts, sorry if I incidentally plagiarize, but there are really no original thoughts left, are there? I believe that every time I have a ‘great’ thought, 250,000 other people have, or have had, the same thought. They just didn’t put it on the internet.)
(Funny sidenote: My internet based, blogging software’s spellcheck flagged the word internet.)
-Make the right choice and you may celebrate briefly.
Make the wrong choice, and you may suffer forever.
-People should see you,
when you are sure no one is looking.
-Get to work 15 minutes early and nobody notices,
but show up 15 minutes late…
-Choosing the shortest, easist path,
can often lead to the longest journey.
-Road Rage is horrible, dangerous, and a little bit awesome.
-The Wise actually know very little.
Only the Ignorant know everything.
Greatness will come.
I am great,
I’ve been told all my life how great I am.
The world will see,
Greatness will come.
This is strange.
I’m sure I am great,
and I should have been ordained as great by now,
but I am actually living less than great.
That’s okay, I’ll just keep waiting.
Greatness will come.
That’s it, I give up!
There’s nothing great about me!
He’s great, and she’s great…And they’re great!
This isn’t fair!
Why are they given greatness, and I get nothing!
I was supposed to be great!
Without greatness, I am nothing!
I might as well just work hard,
like all the ordinary people.
Greatness Came.
Talking Monkey @ July 27, 2011
Freedom is Dead
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Well that’s it, our freedom has been taken away. It all started with a bump in the night…
My almost two year old daughter had been crying in her crib for a few minutes, and I was trying to decide whether I was being a tough parent or an awful parent. The crying stopped suddenly with a thud. I was going through all the possible scenarios of what could have happened as I slowly
looked upstairs, toward her closed door. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Her door was opening! In one motion, I threw my laptop, bounded across the coffee table and sprinted up the stairs (We didn’t have a gate at the top of the stairs yet!)
I was about 3/4 of the way up the stairs when she turned the corner and met me face to face. (Have you ever seen the movie Halloween? Remember the scene with little Mikey standing at the top of the stairs, wearing his cute little clown costume, holding a bloody butcher’s knife? That’s kind of what my daughter looked like, sans clown suit and bloody knife. She had this look on her face that said many things at once…
“Look what I can do now!”
“Your baby jail will hold me no longer!”
“I know where you sleep!”
“What’ya doing? Relaxing? Having a beer and watching a little TV? You told
me it was night-night time! Is this what you people do every night? Good luck
pulling that off again…EVER!!!”
So now, everything has changed. We finally got her back to sleep in her crib, but my wife and I slept with one eye open the rest of the night. (I thought as I dozed off: What about a crib with barbed wire around the top? I could paint it white, or maybe pink. I can hear the naysayers now, “You can’t put barbed wire around the top of a crib!” I know, razor wire would be much more effective, but come on. I’m no animal!)
The next day I bought and installed a gate for the stairs and finished toddler-proofing her room. I planned on changing her convertible bed from a crib to a toddler bed, but didn’t quite make it. My wife assured me, “Don’t worry,
she won’t do that again.”
Then it came: Thump! And there she was, wandering down the hall, hell bent on getting into bed with us. That’s when the
battle began between my wife and my daughter, with me caught in the middle. My daughter would get up, come to my side of the bed and stare at me with her, “You can’t tell me no.”, eyes. I would turn to my wife and foolishly, attempt to speak. She would just shake her head and turn away. (Translation: “Get up and take her back to bed!”
I do take her back to bed, and so begins the 3+ hour war of attrition in the hall between her room and ours. I personally don’t have a problem with her sleeping with us. It’s pretty much the only time she allows any display of affection. (Hmm, kind of sounds like her mother; Must be genetic!)
Her mother does have a point, though: I don’t want her developing any long-lasting, bad habits…
I can hear it now, “Mom, Dad, this is Bruce”.
I reply, “It’s nice to meet you Bruce, but that’s my pillow! Now scooch on
over son, this bed is only a queen.”
(Those of you that know me will realize this story was started quite a while ago, and just now finished. Sorry for the delay. My daughter is now in a full size bed, so the only bumps in the night lately are when she falls out of the bed. Apparently, the worrying never ends.)
Talking Monkey @ July 24, 2011
Ask The Monkey – Volume 2
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Picture from www.bracestower.co.uk
Talking Monkey,
You say that you enjoy shows with monkeys in them, but not people in monkey suits. I find myself wondering about monkey movies. For example, the original King Kong is right out, due to the fellow in the monkey suit. (I understand that they had a real giant ape to play the part but couldn’t afford the catering, or subsequent clean up). But what about Gorillas in the Mist, or Cargo, (that had a cameo of Jimmy Buffett you know) or even the remake of Planet of the Apes, in which people are not in monkey suits, BUT, are dressed up like monkeys. If you could take time out of your busy day to clarify this matter for me, it would be much appreciated!
Regards,
Frank The Tank
Thank you for reading, Mr. The Tank. It appears I may have painted with too broad a stroke: Thank you for pointing this out.
In my “About the Talking Monkey” post I was more focused on my enjoyment of monkeys (apes) acting human and had a few bad examples of monkey suits stuck in my mind.
In regards to your King Kong example, you may want to check your facts. While using a real, giant ape for filming would be a great inconvenience, I’m pretty sure that’s what happened. There were no humans large enough to play that role. However, in the new version of King Kong, that was not an authentic giant gorilla. That was clearly a CGI ape (Comprehensive Gorilla Inbreeding).
In the Planet of the Apes remake, those were highly evolved, humanesque apes, so they had to be costumes. Apes that smart would never work with Marky-Mark.
As far as Cargo goes, I’ll try to find the other person that watched that movie, and get a second opinion.
Thanks again for your question, Mr. The Tank. I agree that there are some examples of good movies with guys in ape suits, but I still prefer the real thing. Well, I’ve got to go. This monkey suit is starting to itch.
Talking Monkey @ July 17, 2011
Wham, Bam, Thank You Spam
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I always try to look through my Spam folder before emptying it, because I don’t want to miss something important. I learn a lot about myself by reading through these so called ‘junk emails’. Apparently I need cheap prescription drugs, without a prescription, (who doesn’t?), and there are some pretty hot, available and bad spelling women in my area. It seems there are plenty of jobs out there and many legitimate firms are looking over my resume. Also, I should go back to school, enhance a certain part of my anatomy and I suffer from E.D..
It’s not all bad though. I did win the European Lottery.
Talking Monkey @ December 13, 2010
You’ve Got to Know When to Hold ‘Em
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When I gamble, I either have to win ‘it all’, or lose ‘it all’. The problem is, winning it all is not easily recognized; whereas losing it all is extremely easy to recognize.
Two times I remember winning money at a casino: Once, my wife dragged me out by the collar, up $500. Another time, I had a mountain of green chips($25) in front of me, and was betting $300 on a pair of deuces. I pushed, (didn’t lose or win), and decided that was enough. I cashed out, clearing $2K after the room, food, trip etc. That casino took care of me after that, until Katrina moved it across the street and turned it upside down.
Here’s another prime example. The other day, I decided to invest $10 in the Redneck Retirement Fund, (I bought a scratch-off lottery ticket). I won $15, ($5 net gain). That’s a 50% return on investment! But, it’s only $5 on a ticket with a possible jackpot of $750,000! So I spent $10 on something I needed and used the $5 winnings to buy another lottery ticket. Boom! I won $15 again! Time to walk away, hmm? Yes for some, not so much for me. I bought another $10 ticket and 2, $1 tickets, ’cause I had a feeling, and then wisely kept $3 for that week’s coffee money. I won $2 on one of the dollar tickets, breaking even, then moved on to the $10 ticket. Whammo!!! Big Winner for $50! Now I’m up $55 on house money. Time to walk away, right? Well, there is this $20 ticket with 5 million and 1 million dollar jackpots, so why not take a chance and still walk away up $35? So I cash my tickets in, get my $20 ticket, and the cashier gives me $42 change. I hand him a $10 back, explaining that he gave me too much change and that being dishonest would probably kill my lucky streak. (In hindsight, the rational side of me knows that you should walk away when you are on a ‘lucky streak’, because the odds are now astronomically against you’re continued winning, but the gambling side of me…)
Winner! I matched one number out of a possible 25, so in my mind this prize is one of two things: A ticket($20) or a jackpot. Of course it was only a ticket, but that’s okay. I’m still up $55. I’ll cash the $20 in and get 2 more of the $10 tickets, but not at this store.
New store=New odds!
I won’t go into details, but let’s just say things didn’t go quite as well at the new store. I lost some, won less, lost some more, then lost ‘it all’. See? I never actually recognized the point when I won ‘it all’, but I damn sure knew the exact moment when I lost ‘it all’. That $50 meant nothing to me, until it was gone.
(Side note: The only positive I can take from this is that I did get many, many chances at some huge jackpots for only $5 dollars; and that was house money anyway. The overall financial results were exactly the same as if I had never bought that first ticket.)
Talking Monkey @ November 20, 2010
Live Singing Monkey
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So, I tried out for this American Idol thing at Disney World and….
Thanks to my Bro-In-Law Fred, for recording and posting this on youtube…I’m trying to think of the best way to repay him.
Talking Monkey @ September 19, 2010
Great American Beer Festival 2010-The Bandit and The Snowman
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Apparently, there are going to be many examples of well made beers in Colorado this weekend, that are illegal in the state of Georgia. We’ve got The Bandit and The Snowman headed that way. When they get to Colorado, they’ll smuggle as many of these fine beers as they can, back to Georgia, in their gullets.
Semi-live and fully-drunken updates to follow. These boys are in ‘Haht pussuit!‘ of some tasty beers!
Here’s an updated picture of our two heroes. Side note: This is not a gay porn site. Repeat: This is not a gay porn site…Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Later on, things really got weird…
Talking Monkey @ September 17, 2010
Terrapin Hopzilla
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Hopzilla Imperial IPA-Side Project v.12
10.8% ABV
Terrapin Brewing Co.
Athens, GA (AKA God’s Country)
Color: Iridescent, golden hue with crisp white foam.
Aroma: Candied Pine sap.
How dare you question Terrapin’s ability to over-hop a beer! At 110 IBU’s, the hoppy side of me is very happy, but at 10.8% ABV the malty side of me is happy for the crisp, malty support. Nice, earthy bitter finish. I think Terrapin took some heat from hopheads for Hopsecutioner, which I love, not being hoppy enough. This behemoth should shut them up. I bet there are thousands of Japanese running from this beer already! This beer is up there with Lagunitas Hop Stoopid, Oskar Blues Gubna, and Harpoon Leviathan: All super-hopped beers that seem really bitter at first, but halfway through your first one, you realize, thisisreallygoodbeer!!!
I appear to be losing the ability to type but, moral of the story:
A. This is the lightest, coolest color, (seriously, the color is like a hologram! Freaky!), of any Imperial IPA I’ve ever had!
B. There is plenty of hop goodness and complexity in this brew.
C. This is really, really good beer, and I like you. No, seriously, I don’t say it enough. You know<Hiccup!> I mean, you GET me. YouknowwhatImean???
“Whoa…No! I think I’m gonna throw…Throw up Hopzilla! Woo-oooo-ah”
(Sang in the style of Blue Oyster Cult‘s Godzilla, in case you didn’t get it.)
Just kidding, I would never waste a beer this delicious!
Seriously though, I only have one swallow left and I don’t want this beer to end. Oh well, here goes…
Saaalut!!!
9.75 Bananas
Talking Monkey @ August 25, 2010
UGA 21st, Tech 17th…Seriously?
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I just heard that another useless preseason poll, (please refer to 2008 preseason polls for proof), has ranked the Smellow Jackets ahead of the Mighty Bulldawgs. Really??? How many of these ‘qualified’ voters would actually bet money that Georgia Tech will finish the season ranked higher than UGA? And from that small percentage of voters, how many would put their money on Tech in the Georgia game at Sanford Stadium? Obviously, if they are that much better than us, then they should have no issues dispensing with the poor, lowly Bulldawgs. Right?
Hey, I’m not knocking Tech. They were triumphant over the mighty ACC last year and represented their conference in the Orange Bowl…Well, their name was on the scoreboard, but I’m not sure they actually showed up for the game. I kind of liked Paul Johnson, when he first arrived at Tech, because he said what he thought. But that whole Georgia Tech thing is starting to rub off on him, and the inferiority complex is starting to affect his way of thinking. I hope he sets ‘beating Georgia’ as one of his ‘team goals’ this year. I guess he’ll tell us after the game.
GO DAWGS!!!
Talking Monkey @ August 12, 2010
Reading
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I love reading a good book. Stephen King is my favorite author. I love the way his stories draw me in and transport me away to whatever world he’s made up this time. The only problem is, the place I do all my reading. I think it’s very common for people to read in this room. It’s very private. There are no distractions, so you can concentrate totally on whatever it is you’re reading at the time. The downside is, it’s not very healthy to spend an hour or more, in this position. So, I have been trying hard to find another place to read. Finally, the other night, I was able to lay in bed, with the lamp on, and get totally immersed into a novel. I actually finished the book! Unfortunately, now I’m going to have to throw out the sheets.
Talking Monkey @ August 12, 2010