Archive for February, 2010

S’nup Snake

Saturday, February 27th, 2010

snake  I just watched an amazing special about Pythons invading Florida.  Between people releasing overgrown pets, and hurricanes destroying pet stores, these giant snakes are becoming a real problem. In the Keys, there is an endangered species called the Key Largo Wood Rat.  Scientists are monitoring the situation, waiting to see if the snakes start invading the Keys.  They have developed a Python trap, that holds a rat in a small cage, inside a larger cage. The snake crawls into the larger cage and can’t get out, or eat the rat.

This just in…Heart disease in rats is at an all-time high.

Killer, Dude!

Saturday, February 27th, 2010

Killer-3So…I hear that a Killer Whale is responsible for the death of a trainer at Sea World.  Does this come as a huge surprise to anyone?  Did we think that ‘Killer Whale’ was some kind of opposite nickname; like calling someone that’s really tall, Shorty?
   From what I’ve heard, the Orca pulled the trainer underwater, by her ponytail, and kept her under until she drowned.  Orcas are smart, but I don’t think they understand that humans can’t stay underwater as long as they can.  This whole thing sounds like a legitimate accident…until you find out that this was the THIRD death associated with this animal!

“Boys, sounds like we got us a serial killer on our fins.”

Check Please!

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

bananasWhether unfounded or not, I’m always anxious when I pay with a card at dinner.  Here’s one scenario I imagined…
Our waitress walked up, after we finished our dinner, and asked, “Did we save room for dessert?”.

“No way,” I responded, “We are stuffed!”

She persisted, “Well, how about an after dinner drink, or a cup of coffee?”.

“No thanks, we are done.  It was delicious!” I said has I handed her my card.  “Go ahead and close us out, please.”

A few minutes later, our waitress sheepishly returned.  “Sir I’m sorry, but your card was declined.”

I replied, “Well in that case, I’ll have a bottle of your finest Scotch!”

Surly You Jest

Monday, February 15th, 2010

jester   I consider myself a modern day, court jester.  I live solely to make people laugh, anyone will do.       
   Jesters had it pretty rough in olden times.  Basically, they said things to Royalty, that no-one else could, in order to gain a laugh.  If a jester went too far over the line, or caught the King in a foul mood, he could easily be separated from his post…and his head,  for that matter.
  Times haven’t changed much, other than the uniform and the audience.  I don’t care who I make laugh, be it peasant or nobility, as long as somebody gets it.  Now jesters only die figuratively, for bad jokes.  I have told my wife, (my unwilling straight-woman), many, many times that ‘to get a few hits, you’ve got to have many misses.’  (Scroll through my archives, you’ll see what I mean.).  I’ve always said that even if one only amuses himself, he is still considered amusing.  I’ve pretty much made an emotional living off of self deprecating humor…Unfortunately, I was listening. 
  In other words, we jesters are quite fragile, so if you like anything you read, please let me know.  Either leave a comment, or pass a link along to a friend(s).  If nothing on here amuses you, then get the hell off of my website, you’re trespassing!  (I’m just kidding, please stay.  I told you I was fragile!)

Again, thanks for stopping by and I bid you adieu.

(It’s not a mistake, I used ‘surly’ in the title in place of surely…it’s a play on words, jesters aren’t always happy.)



One Alpaca to Another

Monday, February 8th, 2010

I saw some Alpaca walking through a pasture, the other day, and I wondered what they were thinking.  Here’s a possible conversation between a Brown Alpaca(BA) and a White Alpaca(WA)…It’s in Spanish, so I’ll translate.

Just ignore the Jackass in the back.

Please ignore the Jackass in the back.

WA: Man, where are we?
BA: Georgia, I think.
WA: What is Georgia?
BA: It’s a State.
WA: What’s a State?
BA: It’s just a place that we live in.
WA: I thought we lived in that barn over there.
BA: We do, but that barn is in Georgia.
WA: Man, you are blowing my mind!  So, we are from Georgia?
BA: Nah…Nobody’s actually from Georgia.


BA: Why do people keep calling us llamas?
WA: I don’t know…What’s a llama?
BA: I don’t know, but I think they look like us.
WA: What do we look like?
BA: Ricardo Montalban.

BA: Hey man, you want some grass?
WA: Nah, I’m trying to quit.
BA:  Seriously? Why?
WA: I don’t know, I got some the other day, and I swear, it had some weird shit in it.
BA: Dude!!!  Did you like, freak out? 
WA: No, but my breath was pretty bad for a couple of days.