Archive for 2015

A Dawg Dish Best Served Cold.

Saturday, September 5th, 2015

Reason #1 why UGA wins it all this year:Hairy
Despite Coach Richt’s devout Christianity, he is surprisingly good at revenge games. Mark Richt is an Old Testament 10-3 in revenge games, since 2010.
Our team is notorious for lacking motivation in at least one game a year, but they always seem to get up when playing a team they lost to the previous year. That revenge factor has also shown up against teams/coaches that have ‘disrespected’ our team, eg. The Belk Bowl last year against Todd Grantham, or the Vanderbilt game a few years back (also involving Grantham). As luck would have it, the Dawgs’ schedule is loaded with revenge games in 2015.

1. South Carolina – In 2014, this was one of those games, where we were not as motivated as we should have been. The Gamecocks had their heads chopped off in the season opener against A&M, so Dawg fans (and players as well, apparently) were counting our chickens, before they hatched, going into the South Carolina game. We played badly and still had a chance to win, but thanks to a bad spot and a bad play call, we came out with a loss.
Richt knows we should have won this game, and he will prove it September the 19th. These games are always close, and SC has done very well in the past few years… but not this year. UGA 41-13.

2. Alabama – In the last two match-ups against the Tide, they ruined our Black Out party and took our National Championship. Not to mention, their Offensive Coordinator, Lil’Laney is an embarrassing 1-0, against the Dawgs. There is revenge in folds, available in this game, but it’s still going to be a tough one. UGA 31-27

3. Tennessee has played us dangerously close, the last few years, and according to many prognosticators, this is their year. That’s right, some of the CFB analysts are actually picking UT to beat the Dawgs and go on to win the SEC East, including the great Kirk Herbstreit. We owe Herbie a thing or two, since he talked us out of the BCS championship, back in ’07!
And how dare the Vols, come in here and try to take what’s ours! This is a preemptive revenge game, for them (and the analysts) even thinking they’re in our league! UGA 38-24.

4. Missoura – Even though we beat them down 34-0 last year, they pulled off an impressive winning streak at the end of the season to hold on, and win the SEC east. I watched these Tigers beat Texas A&M, UT and Arkansas, even though everybody was picking them to lose at least one of these games. Every Mizzou win made the Dawg Nation feel the pain from the Florida loss again, and again, and again.
You will not back door the SEC East again this season, Missouri. UGA 41-20

5. Florida – In 2014, Florida was a derailed train. They lost to Missouri 42-13. We beat Missouri 34-0. So by mine, and apparently the players’ and coaches’ logic, we were going to beat the stupid, worthless Gators by around 63 points. With that kind of advantage, all we had to do was show up in Jacksonville, and take turns kicking the downed Gators. Well, unfortunately, we missed the bus, and FU played their best game of the season. They took what was ours and tore it into little tiny pieces, and threw it in our face. Florida should be hurting again this year, and we need to go into the Cocktail Party and put them down! UGA 48-10.

6. Auburn – Okay, I know we beat Auburn last year, but guess what?
The Plainsmen went and hired themselves a brand new Defensive Coordinator! That’s right: The excommunicated Bulldog, turned Gator, turned out, is now on the payroll of Auburn and Florida! At least he’s using that fine education he received at the University of Georgia! So congratulations War Tigers! Not only did you bring in a fine DC, but you also added a heavy helping of revenge, from Richt’s Bulldawgs! UGA 41-28

7. Georgia Tech – Oh Yellow Jackets, you pesky little annoying bugs, why do you keep doing this to yourselves? Okay, so yeah, you beat a UGA team that had they’re whole season ruined (again), the day before the GA/GT game, so maybe we weren’t as motivated as we should have been. Haven’t you figured out what happens the year after you beat us? The Dawgs won’t be satisfied with merely winning the state championship! They are going to smash the yellow jackets into the ground, like they deserve. UGA 43-13

So, if Georgia wins the games they’re supposed to win, and Richt’s revenge factor holds true, we could have a special season ahead of us. And if we meet Urbie Meyer in the play off? Oh, there’s plenty of revenge left for him!
Go Dawgs!!!

MEN ONLY – Newlywed Advice for Husbands

Saturday, August 15th, 2015

Monkey Marriage     

   Gentlemen, now that it is just us, and no ladies are listening; I have some amazing advice.  This advice should be extremely helpful for men who are recently married, about to get married, have been married for a while but haven’t picked up on this yet, or pretty much any man that has any sort of long lasting relationship with a woman.  So please, read on, and welcome to a happier existence.
   There really is no delicate way to put this, so here it is:  To retain your sanity, and create the best possible environment for your marriage to thrive, you must know when ‘that time of the month’ is, before it is that time of the month.  There are many different ways to do this, and some are more daring than others.  I have listed a couple of methods below.  You must decide which method is right for you, and stick with it.  I have been married for 14 years and I haven’t gotten it right yet, but there’s always next month, right?
   Warning:  With knowledge comes power, and this advice really can improve your life, but there is a caveat:  You can never, ever, let your wife know what you are trying to do!  The potential backfire from her discovering your attempt to manipulate and control the flood of emotions that accompany her ‘Visit from Aunt Flo’, could be catastrophic!
Method #1:  Shoot from the Hip
   This is definitely the most daring of all the methods, but it can be the most rewarding.  If you pull it off, you’ll prove that you’re the damned genius that you always knew you were!  All you have to do is watch for the signs, but make sure you catch them early.  If you pick up on something midway through, you are probably too late.  Events of your demise are most likely already in motion.
   The easiest sign to recognize is the dreaded phone call request, “Honey, could you pick up some Tampax on the way home?”  WARNING: This is a test!  This is not an opportunity for you to show your masculinity by responding, “Are you kidding me?  I’m a man!  I am not walking into my neighborhood grocery store, strolling down that aisle that I always avoid, and carrying a box of tampons through the store and up to the cashier, only to be giggled at by some high school girl!  That’s something you need to go buy yourself!”
  Just remember:  When your wife’s in the midst of Shark Week, you must throw all logic out the window.  Whatever your brain tells you to say, say the opposite.  A better response would be, “Sure baby, I’d be glad to!”  Pick up some manly items, while in the store, to balance out your tampon purchase.  Grab some beer (make sure it’s something your wife will like too), some steaks, some beef jerky, maybe even some Magnum condoms, if you’re feeling really insecure.  Make sure you throw enough stuff in the buggy, to cover up the tampons (grab them last, on the way out, but don’t actually come out on that aisle).  When your wife calls with the feminine products request, don’t just appease her, engage her!  Get involved; “Sure Honey, what are we looking at this month?  Extra Flow again, or do you want to try something different?  How ’bout them Pearls?  You want to give them a shot?”  Be careful with the suggestions though.  Make sure your wife is the one to make the final decision.  If you make a suggestion and it doesn’t work out, it will be ALL YOUR FAULT YOU STUPID, STUPID MAN!!!!!!!!
   If you don’t get ‘the call’, there are other signs to look for, but if you’re seeing these signs, it may already be too late.
  • If you find yourself in the middle of a heated argument, and you are both saying the same thing, it could be that time.  Don’t be logical, don’t get angry and never, ever attempt to prove that you are right!
  • Did some chocolate or ice cream, or some chocolate ice cream just mysteriously show up in your house?  If so, do not assume that it is community property.  Unless she physically hands you a bowl, do not eat it!  And don’t open up the 3/4 empty container and say, “Well, who in the hell ate all the ice cream?
  • Is she crying for no reason?  Don’t ask “What’s wrong?”, unless you’re prepared to have a wet, mascara stained shirt…if you’re lucky!  This could be about you!   That crying can turn to rage in nanoseconds, “What’s wrong?!  WHAT’S WRONG?!?!”

Get out of there men!!!  Abort mission!  Abort!!!


Method#2: Take Advantage of Technology

Set a reminder on your phone.  Sounds easy, right?  It is easy, but you really have to be careful with this one.  You have to be cryptic.  Do not name your event with something like, “Wife’s Period”, or “Ragtime”.  If she finds out what you are doing, this will backfire and the consequences will be exponentially worse than if you just didn’t know.  Come up with something clever, that she won’t suspect and will not interest her at all.  Examples:  “Check sports blog about UGA recruiting”, or “Check Soundgarden fan page, Knights of the Sound Table, for Tour updates”.

Whichever method you choose to employ, here are some suggestions for what to do ‘during the storm’.

  • Repeated from earlier, because it’s that damned important:  Whatever your brain tells you to say, say the opposite…and still, be prepared to be wrong.  All the normal things you do or say everyday, are going to become extremely annoying and offensive to your wife.  So basically, just completely change every single thing about your personality, for a few days, and you should be fine.
  • Don’t ever let her know you know.  You may be tempted to say, “Ohhh!  I get it! You’re only crazy because of your period!”, but she will not be pleased with your new found revelation.  In fact, you will most likely get the total opposite effect.
  • Go out of your way to do nice things.  Pick up your own underwear for a change, or let her decide which football game you’re going to watch.

Good luck men.  It’s a tough world out there, and I hope these tools can help you navigate through the murky waters of PMS, and marriage in general.

Foot note:  If somehow my wife actually reads this, and something happens to me, please tell the police what you read here…before it’s deleted!