MEN ONLY – Newlywed Advice for Husbands

Monkey Marriage     

   Gentlemen, now that it is just us, and no ladies are listening; I have some amazing advice.  This advice should be extremely helpful for men who are recently married, about to get married, have been married for a while but haven’t picked up on this yet, or pretty much any man that has any sort of long lasting relationship with a woman.  So please, read on, and welcome to a happier existence.
   There really is no delicate way to put this, so here it is:  To retain your sanity, and create the best possible environment for your marriage to thrive, you must know when ‘that time of the month’ is, before it is that time of the month.  There are many different ways to do this, and some are more daring than others.  I have listed a couple of methods below.  You must decide which method is right for you, and stick with it.  I have been married for 14 years and I haven’t gotten it right yet, but there’s always next month, right?
   Warning:  With knowledge comes power, and this advice really can improve your life, but there is a caveat:  You can never, ever, let your wife know what you are trying to do!  The potential backfire from her discovering your attempt to manipulate and control the flood of emotions that accompany her ‘Visit from Aunt Flo’, could be catastrophic!
Method #1:  Shoot from the Hip
   This is definitely the most daring of all the methods, but it can be the most rewarding.  If you pull it off, you’ll prove that you’re the damned genius that you always knew you were!  All you have to do is watch for the signs, but make sure you catch them early.  If you pick up on something midway through, you are probably too late.  Events of your demise are most likely already in motion.
   The easiest sign to recognize is the dreaded phone call request, “Honey, could you pick up some Tampax on the way home?”  WARNING: This is a test!  This is not an opportunity for you to show your masculinity by responding, “Are you kidding me?  I’m a man!  I am not walking into my neighborhood grocery store, strolling down that aisle that I always avoid, and carrying a box of tampons through the store and up to the cashier, only to be giggled at by some high school girl!  That’s something you need to go buy yourself!”
  Just remember:  When your wife’s in the midst of Shark Week, you must throw all logic out the window.  Whatever your brain tells you to say, say the opposite.  A better response would be, “Sure baby, I’d be glad to!”  Pick up some manly items, while in the store, to balance out your tampon purchase.  Grab some beer (make sure it’s something your wife will like too), some steaks, some beef jerky, maybe even some Magnum condoms, if you’re feeling really insecure.  Make sure you throw enough stuff in the buggy, to cover up the tampons (grab them last, on the way out, but don’t actually come out on that aisle).  When your wife calls with the feminine products request, don’t just appease her, engage her!  Get involved; “Sure Honey, what are we looking at this month?  Extra Flow again, or do you want to try something different?  How ’bout them Pearls?  You want to give them a shot?”  Be careful with the suggestions though.  Make sure your wife is the one to make the final decision.  If you make a suggestion and it doesn’t work out, it will be ALL YOUR FAULT YOU STUPID, STUPID MAN!!!!!!!!
   If you don’t get ‘the call’, there are other signs to look for, but if you’re seeing these signs, it may already be too late.
  • If you find yourself in the middle of a heated argument, and you are both saying the same thing, it could be that time.  Don’t be logical, don’t get angry and never, ever attempt to prove that you are right!
  • Did some chocolate or ice cream, or some chocolate ice cream just mysteriously show up in your house?  If so, do not assume that it is community property.  Unless she physically hands you a bowl, do not eat it!  And don’t open up the 3/4 empty container and say, “Well, who in the hell ate all the ice cream?
  • Is she crying for no reason?  Don’t ask “What’s wrong?”, unless you’re prepared to have a wet, mascara stained shirt…if you’re lucky!  This could be about you!   That crying can turn to rage in nanoseconds, “What’s wrong?!  WHAT’S WRONG?!?!”

Get out of there men!!!  Abort mission!  Abort!!!


Method#2: Take Advantage of Technology

Set a reminder on your phone.  Sounds easy, right?  It is easy, but you really have to be careful with this one.  You have to be cryptic.  Do not name your event with something like, “Wife’s Period”, or “Ragtime”.  If she finds out what you are doing, this will backfire and the consequences will be exponentially worse than if you just didn’t know.  Come up with something clever, that she won’t suspect and will not interest her at all.  Examples:  “Check sports blog about UGA recruiting”, or “Check Soundgarden fan page, Knights of the Sound Table, for Tour updates”.

Whichever method you choose to employ, here are some suggestions for what to do ‘during the storm’.

  • Repeated from earlier, because it’s that damned important:  Whatever your brain tells you to say, say the opposite…and still, be prepared to be wrong.  All the normal things you do or say everyday, are going to become extremely annoying and offensive to your wife.  So basically, just completely change every single thing about your personality, for a few days, and you should be fine.
  • Don’t ever let her know you know.  You may be tempted to say, “Ohhh!  I get it! You’re only crazy because of your period!”, but she will not be pleased with your new found revelation.  In fact, you will most likely get the total opposite effect.
  • Go out of your way to do nice things.  Pick up your own underwear for a change, or let her decide which football game you’re going to watch.

Good luck men.  It’s a tough world out there, and I hope these tools can help you navigate through the murky waters of PMS, and marriage in general.

Foot note:  If somehow my wife actually reads this, and something happens to me, please tell the police what you read here…before it’s deleted!

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