Archive for the ‘MonkeySports’ Category

A Dawg Dish Best Served Cold.

Saturday, September 5th, 2015

Reason #1 why UGA wins it all this year:Hairy
Despite Coach Richt’s devout Christianity, he is surprisingly good at revenge games. Mark Richt is an Old Testament 10-3 in revenge games, since 2010.
Our team is notorious for lacking motivation in at least one game a year, but they always seem to get up when playing a team they lost to the previous year. That revenge factor has also shown up against teams/coaches that have ‘disrespected’ our team, eg. The Belk Bowl last year against Todd Grantham, or the Vanderbilt game a few years back (also involving Grantham). As luck would have it, the Dawgs’ schedule is loaded with revenge games in 2015.

1. South Carolina – In 2014, this was one of those games, where we were not as motivated as we should have been. The Gamecocks had their heads chopped off in the season opener against A&M, so Dawg fans (and players as well, apparently) were counting our chickens, before they hatched, going into the South Carolina game. We played badly and still had a chance to win, but thanks to a bad spot and a bad play call, we came out with a loss.
Richt knows we should have won this game, and he will prove it September the 19th. These games are always close, and SC has done very well in the past few years… but not this year. UGA 41-13.

2. Alabama – In the last two match-ups against the Tide, they ruined our Black Out party and took our National Championship. Not to mention, their Offensive Coordinator, Lil’Laney is an embarrassing 1-0, against the Dawgs. There is revenge in folds, available in this game, but it’s still going to be a tough one. UGA 31-27

3. Tennessee has played us dangerously close, the last few years, and according to many prognosticators, this is their year. That’s right, some of the CFB analysts are actually picking UT to beat the Dawgs and go on to win the SEC East, including the great Kirk Herbstreit. We owe Herbie a thing or two, since he talked us out of the BCS championship, back in ’07!
And how dare the Vols, come in here and try to take what’s ours! This is a preemptive revenge game, for them (and the analysts) even thinking they’re in our league! UGA 38-24.

4. Missoura – Even though we beat them down 34-0 last year, they pulled off an impressive winning streak at the end of the season to hold on, and win the SEC east. I watched these Tigers beat Texas A&M, UT and Arkansas, even though everybody was picking them to lose at least one of these games. Every Mizzou win made the Dawg Nation feel the pain from the Florida loss again, and again, and again.
You will not back door the SEC East again this season, Missouri. UGA 41-20

5. Florida – In 2014, Florida was a derailed train. They lost to Missouri 42-13. We beat Missouri 34-0. So by mine, and apparently the players’ and coaches’ logic, we were going to beat the stupid, worthless Gators by around 63 points. With that kind of advantage, all we had to do was show up in Jacksonville, and take turns kicking the downed Gators. Well, unfortunately, we missed the bus, and FU played their best game of the season. They took what was ours and tore it into little tiny pieces, and threw it in our face. Florida should be hurting again this year, and we need to go into the Cocktail Party and put them down! UGA 48-10.

6. Auburn – Okay, I know we beat Auburn last year, but guess what?
The Plainsmen went and hired themselves a brand new Defensive Coordinator! That’s right: The excommunicated Bulldog, turned Gator, turned out, is now on the payroll of Auburn and Florida! At least he’s using that fine education he received at the University of Georgia! So congratulations War Tigers! Not only did you bring in a fine DC, but you also added a heavy helping of revenge, from Richt’s Bulldawgs! UGA 41-28

7. Georgia Tech – Oh Yellow Jackets, you pesky little annoying bugs, why do you keep doing this to yourselves? Okay, so yeah, you beat a UGA team that had they’re whole season ruined (again), the day before the GA/GT game, so maybe we weren’t as motivated as we should have been. Haven’t you figured out what happens the year after you beat us? The Dawgs won’t be satisfied with merely winning the state championship! They are going to smash the yellow jackets into the ground, like they deserve. UGA 43-13

So, if Georgia wins the games they’re supposed to win, and Richt’s revenge factor holds true, we could have a special season ahead of us. And if we meet Urbie Meyer in the play off? Oh, there’s plenty of revenge left for him!
Go Dawgs!!!

UGA 21st, Tech 17th…Seriously?

Thursday, August 12th, 2010


I just heard that another useless preseason poll, (please refer to 2008 preseason polls for proof), has ranked the Smellow Jackets ahead of the Mighty Bulldawgs.  Really???  How many of these ‘qualified’ voters would actually bet money that Georgia Tech will finish the season ranked higher than UGA?  And from that small percentage of voters, how many would put their money on Tech in the Georgia game at Sanford Stadium?  Obviously, if they are that much better than us, then they should have no issues dispensing with the poor, lowly Bulldawgs.  Right?
   Hey, I’m not knocking Tech.  They were triumphant over the mighty ACC last year and represented their conference in the Orange Bowl…Well, their name was on the scoreboard, but I’m not sure they actually showed up for the game.  I kind of liked Paul Johnson, when he first arrived at Tech, because he said what he thought.  But that whole Georgia Tech thing is starting to rub off on him, and the inferiority complex is starting to affect his way of thinking.  I hope he sets ‘beating Georgia’ as one of his ‘team goals’ this year.  I guess he’ll tell us after the game.


The Plan

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

georgiabulldogsSorry for the delay, but this was written the week before the Kentucky game.  I thought it was better to post it,  ‘as is’, rather than edit it to fit.  Please to enjoy…


   Congratulations Coach Richt, it looks like your plan is going to work, and what a gutsy plan it was.  There aren’t many coaches out there with the cohonas to throw a season, just to get revenge on your in-state rival.  You knew that we didn’t have the team to go all the way this year, so you worked out this plan, and it is genius!  You have lost just enough games, some VERY convincingly, to take us completely out of the minds of the Kings of the Mighty ACC.  Georgia Tech players are barely even thinking about Clemson!  Much less the poor, lowly Georgia Bulldawgs,that Tech will be forced to dress out and show up for, to be handed their win.  This weekend, while the Nuisance Pests, I mean Yellow Jackets, are out celebrating how great they are, the Bulldawgs have to barely squeak out a win against Kentucky, just in case any Jackets happen to be watching.  That’s right, Tech has an off week this weekend, so they can spend two weeks making their plans for another Co-National Championship.

Tyson and Holyfield III?

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009

Photo provided by Harpo Inc.

Mike Tyson was on Oprah the other day, so I had to watch.  I think most sports fans, close to my age, probably have the same strong feelings that I have about Tyson.  There was a time during his peak, when I believed that no one on earth could beat Mike Tyson.  It was amazing to watch him turn his hips and body into a power factory and channel all of that energy into his devastating, fight ending, right hook, (or left for that matter).  My friends and I used to argue about how many millions of dollars it would take, for us to take just one punch from Mike Tyson.
Another great fighter, Evander Holyfield, was coming along at the same time and it appeared the two were on a collision course.  Then came Buster Douglas, Robin Givens, Mike’s posse, the Rape conviction, and it appeared this fight would never happen.  They did eventually fight a couple of times, but both fighters were well past their prime and the fights were disappointing, unless you’re into ear biting. 
So anyway, Tyson was on Oprah, spilling it all.  There’s a documentary out about him that is supposedly great, but he’s changed many of his opinions since then.  One of the topics Tyson and Oprah spoke about was biting Holyfield’s ears.  According to Tyson, he never legitimately apologized, and there was still tension between the two greats.  Either Evander was watching, or his people told him about Tyson’s comments, and he called Oprah and said he wanted to come on with Tyson.
A few days later it was surreal to see Tyson and Holyfield, sitting next to each other on the same stage, speaking semi-amicably.  You could tell there was still some tension between them, but overall it was a really nice moment.  I wish them both nothing but the best, and thank them for all the entertainment they provided us.  To me, boxing has really gone down hill since they left the scene.  I have to admit though, seeing those two sitting together, I kept thinking, maybe, just one more time.  You could see it in their eyes, they were thinking the same thing.

A Small Request

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

Dear Coach Richt,
Please take it easy on Florida this coming Saturday.  They’re supposed to win it all and be the best team in the nation, but they’re really tired and possibly overrated.  The officials are on board, and are going to do all they can to keep Florida #1, but sometimes even that is not enough.  Sure, if Georgia upset Florida, it could salvage a disappointing season for the Dawgs, but think about the big picture.  We all need Florida to win out and play Alabama in the SEC Championship Game and then go on to win the National Championship.  Come on coach, think about Timmy and Urbie.  They deserve this, and who are you to take it away from them?  You can make it look interesting, but don’t actually beat our Gators.  If you play ball, we might let you win it all, sometime down the road.  Thanks in advance for your cooperation.


(Obviously, this letter is completely made up, by the monkey, to make fun of all the love flowing Florida’s way.  If this statement surprises you, you really should  never read again.   Again, this is not real, so please don’t sue me.)

I’ll have the Fried Calipari, please.

Thursday, August 20th, 2009

Here’s a quote from an article I read today…

“I’m not worried about it because they have never said Coach Cal did anything wrong at all,” said Kentucky Gov. Steve Beshear, who appeared with Calipari at the Kentucky State Fair on Thursday before the NCAA announcement. “I think he’s a very upstanding guy. I think that’s his reputation and I think that reputation will be with him here. I really don’t foresee any problems.”

In other news…

The Governor recently approved a bill, allocating 4.3 million dollars to a project that will renovate Kentucky’s entire Atlantic coastline.


The above excerpt, excluding the coastline joke, is from at yahoo sports.  Read the entire article here.;_ylt=AoxQOmjlKmGhys1zuFxEtCoOvbYF?slug=ap-memphis-vacatedwins&prov=ap&type=lgns&start_row=26#comments

UGA prediction continued

Wednesday, August 19th, 2009

georgiabulldogsI want to go on record.  In many of the years passed, I have made some extremely accurate predictions that were not documented, and people seem to forget that I was the one that said it 1st!  (Eg.  I said D.J. Shockley would have a great season in his one year to shine…SEC title.  When I saw Barack Obama at the 2004 DNC, I said, ‘there’s your next President’.  I could go on and on.)   So this year, I am documenting my statements so there will be proof.

-I still stand behind my earlier prediction, (please see archives), that Georgia will go undefeated and win the National Championship.  If somehow, OSU did pull off a miraculous victory, it would only inspire us more to go on and win the rest of our games and secure the crystal trophy.
Here’s why…

-Offensive and Defensive lines.
Our O-line played through some very trying times last season and they developed as a solid unit.  We are getting back a huge talent from injury.
Someone will emerge from our strong and experienced D-line as a game-changer,  once again making UGA a powerhouse on defense.  Not to mention, Willie is coaching for his job this year!

-Our QB is extremely talented and has been studying and practicing this offense for over 3 years.  He will succeed.
-A running back will step up and be a solid performer, with many other quality options platooning in, to keep him fresh.  They may not hurdle any players, but they will get the job done.

-We won’t have to listen to every sports reporter talk about our future NFL, 1st round pick, quarterback. By the way, I don’t know if Mel Kiper gets enough credit for his prediction that Stafford would be the 1st overall NFL draft pick…He said this before Stafford’s 1st season at Georgia!

-This year we have a TEAM, not a collection of individuals.

-There is not a game on our schedule that is not winnable and in most, we have an advantage.

Florida will fall, mightily.  If you keep telling someone over and over and over again, how great they are…They will eventually prove you wrong.  Maybe we’ll even learn what Tebow’s darkside is…You know he’s got one.

Go Dawgs!

Georgia to Concede 2009 Georgia-Florida Game!

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

I read a column in the paper today that basically said The Dawgs would have an o.k. year in 2009, but we don’t have a prayer against Florida.  The columnist implied that Coach Richt said, ‘If we couldn’t beat Florida with Matt Stafford and Knowshon Moreno last year, how can we win with Joe Cox and Caleb King?’   I hear they are already fitting the crystal trophy to fit Urban Meyer’s little cloven hooves.  We are in a rebuilding year, can’t we just skip the Florida game?  Is it fair to put our poor, little, down-trodden Bullpups up against the mighty Gators and the glorious Tim Tebow?  I just hope the repeating national champion Florida Gators take it easy on us.  At least keep it close Mr. Meyer, maybe within 40 points…Puurrty Please?  Can we  forfeit?  It would give our players some much needed rest so we could finish out the season strong.  Actually, should Florida even have to play any of these games?  I mean, what if the Mighty Tebow twists an ankle or something, landing after his descent to the field?  Why take that chance?  We all know they’re going to win it all…Right?   Right?

You know what I think would make Tebow’s uniform look better?  Lots of beautiful red streaks, all over his helmet.  Walk into Jacksonville on Cloud 9,  gators…And bring Herbstreit with you!!!  There’s a reckoning coming this Halloween!

I can hear the mullet headed, jean short wearers now, “Heyyyyy!  I thought ‘is monkey lacked ‘dem gators???”

How to Hit a Golf Ball

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

bananasFor those of you that think golf is just hitting and chasing a little white ball around, here is how I hit a golf ball.

Tee it up, not so high that I swing under it, but high enough so that it hits right in the middle of the driver. Step back, look at the shot, line up the shot, approach the ball. Put left, big toe even with the ball and far enough away so that my back will be straight, my arms will run in a straight line with the club, not too close but not too far away. Grip the club. Wrap left pinkie around the end of the grip, make sure club balances between palm and pinkie, then place thumb down the center of the grip and let the other fingers fall into place around the shaft. Knowing that my default grip is a little weak, twist left hand a little more to the right until the head of the club is slightly closed. Interlock right pinkie and let fingers of right hand loosely wrap around the shaft making sure the left thumb sits snugly in the middle of the right palm, right thumb goes straight down the shaft, same as the left. Move my right foot up, even with the left, making sure they are a little farther apart than my shoulders are wide. Address the ball, make sure I’m the right distance from the ball, where the head of the club rests comfortably on the ground, keeping my body and arms in the optimal position, the ball should be a little past center on the face of the club, towards the toe. Now waggle. Loosen grip, break wrists back and forth, make sure my knees are perfectly bent, sway left to right to loosen my hips, make sure my back is straight but loose, make sure my feet are comfortable in their shoes. Look up and visualize the entire shot. Look back down at the ball and pick a concentration point on the ball to stare at to keep my head down! Visualize the entire swing in your mind and pause and relax. Use core muscles to start the long sweeping backswing, don’t break wrists until the last moment, let my weight transfer smoothly from the left foot to the right, don’t take the club too far past parallel, pause. Pop my hips, launch my downswing, again starting with my core muscles, pulling my arms through. Let weight start naturally shifting back from the right leg back to the front, building up all this power that will be released when my wrists finally release, all that torque, all that power. Let the head of the club come through the swing and end up right where it started, just above the lowest point of your swing, on the way back up, releasing all of the built up energy into the ball, which is now egg shaped, instead of round. Let my eyes follow the head of the club up as my follow through mirrors my backswing, keep looking up until my eyes find the ball again and follow it to see where it goes, as I hold the perfect follow through stance. Wait untill the ball comes to rest, put the driver up, and go do it all over again.

That’s option A.  Option B is to go through all of the motions listed above, lift your head up right before you hit the ball, to see where it goes.  Top the son of a bitch, and watch it shoot straight into the woods.

What is it about Golf?

Monday, July 20th, 2009

bananasTalk about mixed emotions, the 2009 British Open was a roller coaster!  It hurt my heart to watch Tom Watson’s collapse on the 18th hole, but I was happy to see Stewart Cink get his first major championship.  In the press conference after the championship, Watson admitted that he hit the perfect shot with the wrong club.  And what about Andy North’s jinx?  He stated that Tom Watson would make the putt, and win the tournament.  We all know what happened next.

The most interesting point I heard was Curtis Strange’s breakdown of why the game goes away with age.  I, like most people, assumed it was the physicality that went away.  Flexibility, strength, etc.  Strange said it was the ability to focus that went away.  The ability to maintain that mental toughness, and remain in the zone for the amount of time it takes to win a golf tournament.  Jack Nicklaus added to this point in a phone interview, during The Open coverage.  Basically, he said that it is in the hands, that you don’t have the feel that you did when you were younger.  You could hear in Jack’s voice that he was rooting for Watson, but he just didn’t think he had it.  If you really watched The Open, you saw Watson lose that tournament early on.  Watson was not making putts all day, leaving everything short.  He dropped 3 strokes and was pretty much out of it, but luckily the field fell back to him.  When he walked up the 18th fairway, he knew he had stolen one, and he knew it was over.  When he hit that 8 iron 2nd shot, he knew he couldn’t have hit it any better…that was the problem, it should have been a 9 iron.  That’s when he started to realize that the tournament was still over, but with a different result.  The playoff was obsolete, the tournament ended on 18.  So Watson only gets to win 5 British Opens.  I don’t think he’s looking for any pity.  And who knows, can he do it again next year at St. Andrews?  We’ll see.

What is it about golf that we love so much?  Is it being outside, enjoying the weather?  That’s part of it, but we still play in the heat, rain, wind, etc.  Is it the competition?  Yes and no.  It’s fun to compete against others, but I think the major competition is against ourselves.  We have the opportunity with every shot to be great, at least for that one shot.

The fraternity of golfers is made up of hackers, bad golfers, good golfers, great golfers, hustlers, club pros and touring pros, but we all have one thing in common.  We love golf and we hate golf.  It all depends on when you ask us.

A bad golfer thinks, “I hope I don’t miss this putt.”

A good golfer thinks, “I have to make this putt.”

A great golfer has already made the putt.

Wherever you fit in, just keep playing.  Well, gotta go, it’s my turn.  God I hope I don’t miss this putt.