Man, what an honor!  When I pulled into the Kroger parking lot, I had no idea that I was about to have a brush with greatness.  He pulled up and parked right next to me!  He looked like a regular guy: Who knew? 

I jumped out of my car, ran up to him, introduced myself and congratulated him.  He was so modest!  He acted like he had no earthly idea what I was talking about!  I thanked him for his service, and asked what I could do to be more like him.  He was obviously embarassed by all the attention, because he nervously turned, and ran towards the store. 

   Someday, maybe I’ll be in the running.  I don’t even know how to enter the contest.  I guess you have to be nominated or something.

It says "World's Greatest Dad", and smells good too.

  I just watched an amazing special about Pythons invading Florida.  Between people releasing overgrown pets, and hurricanes destroying pet stores, these giant snakes are becoming a real problem. In the Keys, there is an endangered species called the Key Largo Wood Rat.  Scientists are monitoring the situation, waiting to see if the snakes start invading the Keys.  They have developed a Python trap, that holds a rat in a small cage, inside a larger cage. The snake crawls into the larger cage and can’t get out, or eat the rat.
  

This just in…Heart disease in rats is at an all-time high.

So…I hear that a Killer Whale is responsible for the death of a trainer at Sea World.  Does this come as a huge surprise to anyone?  Did we think that ‘Killer Whale’ was some kind of opposite nickname; like calling someone that’s really tall, Shorty?
   From what I’ve heard, the Orca pulled the trainer underwater, by her ponytail, and kept her under until she drowned.  Orcas are smart, but I don’t think they understand that humans can’t stay underwater as long as they can.  This whole thing sounds like a legitimate accident…until you find out that this was the THIRD death associated with this animal!

“Boys, sounds like we got us a serial killer on our fins.”

Whether unfounded or not, I’m always anxious when I pay with a card at dinner.  Here’s one scenario I imagined…
 
Our waitress walked up, after we finished our dinner, and asked, “Did we save room for dessert?”.

“No way,” I responded, “We are stuffed!”

She persisted, “Well, how about an after dinner drink, or a cup of coffee?”.

“No thanks, we are done.  It was delicious!” I said has I handed her my card.  “Go ahead and close us out, please.”

A few minutes later, our waitress sheepishly returned.  “Sir I’m sorry, but your card was declined.”

I replied, “Well in that case, I’ll have a bottle of your finest Scotch!”

   I consider myself a modern day, court jester.  I live solely to make people laugh, anyone will do.       
   Jesters had it pretty rough in olden times.  Basically, they said things to Royalty, that no-one else could, in order to gain a laugh.  If a jester went too far over the line, or caught the King in a foul mood, he could easily be separated from his post…and his head,  for that matter.
  Times haven’t changed much, other than the uniform and the audience.  I don’t care who I make laugh, be it peasant or nobility, as long as somebody gets it.  Now jesters only die figuratively, for bad jokes.  I have told my wife, (my unwilling straight-woman), many, many times that ‘to get a few hits, you’ve got to have many misses.’  (Scroll through my archives, you’ll see what I mean.).  I’ve always said that even if one only amuses himself, he is still considered amusing.  I’ve pretty much made an emotional living off of self deprecating humor…Unfortunately, I was listening. 
  In other words, we jesters are quite fragile, so if you like anything you read, please let me know.  Either leave a comment, or pass a link along to a friend(s).  If nothing on here amuses you, then get the hell off of my website, you’re trespassing!  (I’m just kidding, please stay.  I told you I was fragile!)

Again, thanks for stopping by and I bid you adieu.

(It’s not a mistake, I used ‘surly’ in the title in place of surely…it’s a play on words, jesters aren’t always happy.)

   Many toys today, have a new trick up their sleeve.  Every time my daughter finishes playing with one toy and moves on to another one, the old toy gets jealous and tries to win her back.  These toys will say something or make a prompting noise, after being left alone for a period of time.  Elmo will try a couple of times before finally threatening to take a nap.  This is a pretty annoying trick that toy companies have come up with that takes advantage of a child’s short attention span.  Children should be allowed to decide their favorites based on the toys themselves, not due to a psychological trick!  I have seen my daughter choose a book, only to be interrupted by some buttinsky toy.  Luckily, she usually only looks up for a moment, and then returns to her reading.  One of the toys just told us it was time to change her batteries!  Until that toy sounds like Darth Vader on horse tranquilizers, she’s not getting new batteries!
   These ‘smart’ toys aren’t only affecting my daughter.  Every night when I go to bed, one of the toys will yell at me as I walk by, and scare the bejesus out of me.
   Who knows what the next generation of ‘smart’ toys will do.  Slight hypnosis?  Electric shock?  Pheromones?  I miss the old days, when you couldn’t put a toy down, just because it was fun.

   I was doing a little last minute shopping at Best Buy the other night, and resolved that I would stay there until I found everything I needed or they kicked me out.  In one of my many treks, back and forth across the store, I passed a man in an electric wheelchair. 
   I finally finished my shopping and noticed this on the way out.

Picture is at a bad angle. It was much steeper in person. I'm firing my photographer.

   I am not the brightest bulb in the bunch, but I did put two and two together and decided this was the gentleman in the electric wheelchair’s vehicle.  I have loaded plenty of equipment onto trailers, and was scared to death every       time.    I couldn’t help but be impressed and amazed, imagining that courageous man, driving his wheelchair up that steep, treacherous ramp. 
  As I was driving home, it occurred to me that he probably isn’t in the chair when it is loaded.

   It’s finally here.  Christmas.  All the stressing out is over; trying to find this toy or that purse, spending as much as I can without putting us into ruin, getting everything wrapped and not being late, etc., etc…  You know, everything that’s so important around Christmastime.
   So I’m sitting here complaining, and tediously untying all of these little gray plastic coated wires, that are perfectly tied around each specific point on all my daughters new toys, holding them to their boxes, when I start thinking…Who tied these?  I start looking at the knots and how many there are on one toy, and how many of these toys are sold world-wide?  Manyof the toys we buy are manufactured in China, probably in sweat shops, and I think about the fingers that tied the wires, that I am now undoing.  Probably a cute little Chinese girl, not much older than my daughter, but an expert at tying little wire ties together, in the way she has been meticuously trained.  Her little calloused fingers, making knots, that we will soon undo.  She doesn’t even imagine the fleeting pleasure that will be experienced, due to her tedious, abusive labors.  I don’t think she get’s Christmas off…or any time off.  She works, eats, sleeps, then does it all again, day after day.  She probably wouldn’t be upset because 1 of her 30+ toys wasn’t exactly what she wanted.  She would most likely be satisfied just to see her family again.  Kind of puts it all into perspective…Merry Christmas!

(I started writing this post on vacation, back in August, but I just now got around to finishing it.  May it remind you of warmer and younger days.)

 12:47 P.M.-Vacation- Day 6

   I’m in the shower, zoned out.  Memories lead to memories lead to more memories and Bam!  This flood of emotion hits me smack in the face.  I dig deeper into my thoughts and I suddenly realize what vacation really is.  I always thought vacation was just a good time, a chance to do fun things, and go to different, exciting places; and vacation is all of those things, but it can be so much more.

   My mind wandered off, like it always does in the shower, and I remembered a few days back, when I took my daughter out into the ocean for the first time.  We went out into the crystal clear, emerald water until it came up to my chest.  The look on her face was so beautiful.  She was exploring a new frontier with her Daddy, and I with her.  She has no idea that the water is as deep as three of her.  She just knows that her Daddy has her, and she is experiencing a whole new world.  While amazed and in awe of the moment, I am scared at the same time.  What marine life is lurking around us?  We both have on sunscreen which makes her very slippery in my arms, and she’s squirming away, trying to do this her way, what if she slipped?  But, I know, I’ve got her.

   (Back to the shower)   So, the memory of my daughter’s and my amazing ocean experience, triggered deeper memories, from long ago.  My Dad hanging out in the ocean, neck deep, holding onto me, bouncing through the waves.  Or my mother, lying on a float, letting me hang onto the side.  That’s when it hits me, I am them now!  I’m playing with my daughter out in the ocean.  But if I am them, then who have my parents become?  They’re not my grandparents!  My grandparents were always old to me, (sorry Granny, if you happen to be surfing the web and read this, I don’t mean ‘old’ in a bad way.).  I think we have this chronological, mental snapshot of our parents, and they never really age.  Sure we see them age physically, but they are always that ‘person’ that we decided they were, some time long ago.  I think we do the same thing with our perception of ourselves.  I know how old I really am, but that is not the age I think I am.

   This revelation in the shower threw a lot at me at one time.  Any ‘1^st’ moment shared with my daughter is at least a 4.0 on the emotional Richter scale.  Realizing that I have taken my parents’ place and they are taking the place of my grandparents is a 7!   That’s over thirty years!  Think about what has happened in thirty years!  I am in my thirties, (barely on the downhill side, thank you), so that is basically my entire lifetime!  If you look at it from my parent’s point of view, thirty years puts them in a very different place.  My thoughts drift to what these changes mean:  Many of them are not good.

   So, all of these thoughts and emotions swirled together and opened up my eyes, (not to mention dampened them).  This life is ZOOMING by!   In our everyday lives we’re always running back and forth, fighting to keep our heads above water:  Working, paying bills, not paying bills, going to daycare, going to the doctor, buy clothes, use clothes, wash clothes, put away clothes, buy more clothes to replace old clothes…

   You need to take a Vacation.  You have to give your mind the time to pull away from it all and slowly wind down until you finally get to the point where you can see things for what they really are. 

Go out into the water. 

Keep your head above water. 

Keep her head above water.

Help people that are struggling to keep their heads above water. 

But most of all, be glad you get the chance to swim.

Everything is going to be okay.

We’re just going to have to change our perception of what okay is.  What used to seem unthinkable, could now be reality, but we’re still okay.  Okay is just an average.  Halfway between perfect and tragic.  We may be overwhelmed with joy one day and weighed down with grief another, but we always slide back towards the middle…Okay. 

Next time something great happens to someone you know, put your hand on their shoulder, and remind them, “Everything is going to be okay.”