I may be too old to be a Rock Star.
    I may not even want to be a Rock Star anymore.  I would have to travel the world doing drugs and sleeping with groupies…I don’t even know if my wife would put up with that.  I mean, she supports me and all, but that may be a little too much to ask.
   And drugs.  I am scared to death to do any kind of drugs, other than acid reducers or the government approved, and heavily taxed, alcohol.

Marijuana-No thanks!  I’m paranoid enough, I can already lay around for hours doing nothing, I always have the munchies, and many times I giggle uncontrollably at inappropriate moments.  I still think it should be legal, though.

Crank-I’m fidgety enough, and I already have trouble sleeping.  Although, if you never eat, do you really need teeth?

Cocaine-I’m not rich enough.

Crack-I’m not creative enough to come up with an elaborate panhandling story.  I think crackheads should be put into sales positions.  If there is a rock at the end of every appointment, they would be the ultimate closers!

Heroin-NEEDLES!!!

LSD-Reality is tough enough without adding extra things that aren’t really there.  Let’s see, I can either…

I’ll go with A.

Ice-Nah, it makes my Coke flat.

Ecstasy-I’m not a very good ‘umph-umph-umph’ dancer, and I don’t even know where to buy glo-sticks.

I know there are many drugs I have left out, so I apologize to any junkies out there I may have offended.
 

Moral of the story:   If you’re gonna be a rock star, do it when you’re young.  Although, a beer gut does make it easier to see the strings on your guitar.
Keep on rockin’,
Talking Monkey

(I don’t know where this joke originated, so I don’t know whom to give credit to, but this is my favorite of all time.)

This duck walked into a hardware store.

He waddled up to the front counter and the storekeeper said, “How can I help you, Duck?”

“Do you have any fish?”, the duck asked.

The storekeep replied, “No duck, I’m sorry.  This is a hardware store.  We sell tools, nuts, bolts, screws and nails.  We have fertilizer and lawn care supplies.  We don’t have any fish.”

The duck turned around and waddled back out the front door.

The next day, the duck went back into the hardware store and waddled up to the counter.  “Got any fish?”, the duck asked the storekeep.

“No duck, I’m sorry.  I told you yesterday, this is a hardware store.  We sell tools, nuts, bolts, screws and nails.  We have fertilizer and lawn care supplies.  We don’t have any fish.”

The duck turned around and waddled back out the front door.

The next day, the duck came back to the hardware store.  He walked through the front door, waddled right up to the counter and asked,  “You got any fish?”

“No!”, the storekeep snapped.  “I told you we DON”T SELL FISH!  We sell TOOLS, NUTS, BOLTS, SCREWS and NAILS!  We have fertilizer and lawn care supplies.  We don’t have any FISH!  If you come back around here, duck, I’ll nail your damned webbed feet to the floor!!!”

The duck calmly turned around and waddled back out the front door.

The next day, the duck came back to the hardware store.  He came in through the front door and waddled up to the counter.

The storekeep asked, “How can I help you…duck?”

The duck replied, “You got any nails?”

The storekeep dropped his head.  “Duck, I’m sorry.  We are waiting on a truck to come in with all of our nails, screws, nuts and bolts.  Unfortunately, we are completely out of nails right now.”

The duck replied, “You got any fish?”

After an intense logical and emotional study of the Dawgs 2009 schedule, I have determined that we will win the National Championship this year.  I’m pretty sure that we will also go undefeated.

     First off, our team will be much more grounded this year and will be extremely team oriented.

     Secondly, our schedule sets up perfectly for the ultimate run at the National Championship.

1-At Oklahoma State-This is huge!  OSU is actually looking past us!  We’ll win this one  convincingly, leading to a huge jump in the polls.

2-South Carolina-Lots of visor throwing and uncomfortable smirks.

3-At Arkansas-This will be a close one, but we will pull it out.

4-Arizona State-Humidity Baby!  They won’t know what to think at Sanford Stadium, big win.

5-LSU-They don’t beat us at home, period.

6-At UT-Welcome to the SEC, Lane.

7-At Vandy-We do what we’re supposed to do.

8-So called neutral site Jacksonville-UF-We just had a week off to prepare, Florida just got back from a scare at Starkville.  I don’t think Meyer will be calling celebratory time-outs at the end of this one.

9-Tennessee Tech-Time to get well.

10-Auburn-They’re not quite there yet.

11-Kentucky-Closer than it should be, but we prevail in the 4th.

12-Georgia Tech-Let’s tackle this time.  Go on and hold us to 42 points again.

13-SEC Championship-Alright Saban, here’s your payback.

14-BCS Championship-Bring it on Big (insert number here).

Any Questions?

 Talking Monkey means many different things to me, and it can mean whatever you want to you.  For future reference, when I say monkey, I’m really talking about an ape, specifically a chimpanzee.  At least that’s what I see when I imagine the Talking Monkey.  Sometimes it is really hard to find anything on TV, but if I see something with a monkey in it I am hooked! (Fake monkey movies excluded, eg. person in a monkey suit). 

   These movie monkeys are always trained to exhibit human characteristics, and I freakin love it!  I don’t know why, but I do.  And I’m not alone!  I have spoken with many other males that share in this love for watching these human acting monkeys.  So whether you love monkey movies,  or you love somebody who loves monkey movies,  maybe you can relate.                               
   Another meaning has to do with evolution.  Since I am pretty sure that we evolved from the same ancient parents that monkeys did, (I know it’s really apes, but I like saying monkey),  then that’s all we really are, talking monkeys!  By the way, this is not up for debate.  If you believe that you didn’t evolve, then you are absolutely right.                                                                   
   My daughter’s first animal impersonation was a monkey.  Now she talks all the time, like her father, hence another talking monkey!                                           
   In this case though, I am the Talking Monkey.  So please visualize a chimpanzee sitting at a computer, pounding out these random thoughts just for you.  Talking monkeys are terrible at grammar so please don’t hold that against me.  Every once in a while, I may get frustrated and throw some feces at you through the bars, but please forgive me…I’m still a monkey after all! 

   This blog is a journey to self awareness, and I’m sure there will be many pitfalls along the way.  I am using this website as a way to raise capital for my dream job.   Hopefully I will start making money from advertisements.  I’ll never charge people to join, but I would like you to register just to keep up with who’s here..

I am far from knowing everything, so comments will be a very important part of this website and gratefully appreciated.  I value your opinions, corrections, etc.. These will enhance the usefulness of this site.  Please feel free to contact me at any time.

  Someday I will create and run the Talking Monkey Brewery.  Hopefully someday you will be holding a cool, refreshing and delicious, Talking Monkey Ol’ 73 and  think, “I made this journey with the Monkey”.  I hope that something, or lots of things from my journey helped you in yours, and maybe, just maybe, I entertained you a little along the way. 

Come on, let me buy you a banana.

Sincerely,                                                                                                                                  The Talking Monkey