Live Talking Monkey is officially one year old!  I’m not sure what the exact launch date was, kind of like Christmas.  Nobody can agree on exactly what the actual date was, when Santa Claus first delivered presents.  Anyway, I started the website around the 15th of June, 2009.  Thank you so much for coming here and reading some or all of my posts.  I hope they have been a pleasant break from reality.  For those of you that have read much of what I’ve put up here, you may not believe this, but there are many ideas that don’t actually make the cut.  That’s right, there are posts that I thought were not good enough for you to waste your valuable time reading.  So, to celebrate Live Talking Monkey’s 1st birthday, I thought I’d post some of those ideas that didn’t quite make the cut.  So here, go ahead and waste your valuable time, and read these.  Maybe it will make some of my other posts seem better?
Anyway, here they are, please enjoy…

 
 

>A response to  the question, “How hard is it?”
It’s harder than passing a motion in a boardroom full of horses.

“Sir, I’m sorry, but the neighs have it again!”

 

>In Olympic News, the I.O.C. has approved a new event; Ladder Stacking.

Mexico appears to be the hands on favorite. 

 

>I love dead people the most-Kurt Cobain, 1/2 the Beatles, many other Rock Stars, Pete, Hazel, W.N., Jesus, and many, many others.
The people that are alive, I take for granted.

 

 

Do you ever notice in movies,  there is frequently a scene where the main character goes into a bar by himself, talks to other individuals, and it’s perfectly normal?  That’s not really acceptable in our current society.  And that’s not the first thing I think of, when I imagine an individual, by himself in a bar.  I used to work in a bar, and we always knew it was time to throw the loners out…When they started dancing alone.

 

 

>Real Magic
-Spooning with the one you love.
-Your daughter lying in the crook of your arm.
-A golf shot that feels like absolutely nothing.
-Making people laugh.

 

 

>Why do I wash my hands before leaving the restroom, when the SOB in front of me didn’t!

 

 

>Math

Math is not real.  It’s just a very precise language we use to quantify what is real in this world.

It’s kind of like real life. It’s all based on perception.  I never understood a friend of mine, that was a physics major, when he tried to tell me nothing really existed, if it wasn’t observed.  If a tree falls, blah, blah, blah.

 

 

 

>Iced Coffee

You ever leave a couple of sips in your coffee cup, forget about it for a while, then see it again and take a swallow?  How can it get that cold?  If I set a cup of water out on my desk, for a little while, it does not feel cold.  But that coffee seems ice cold!  I guess it’s kind of like taking a swallow of tea, thinking that it’s a Coke.

 

 

>I can’t stand days that end in why.

 

 

>Lately

People who run stores that open at 11 AM are more likely to open a few minutes late, than people who run stores that open at 8 AM.  Go figure.

 

 

>Trick or Treat Limbo

I feel sorry for kids who are at that age when it’s not really cool to trick or treat anymore, but they’re not ready to give it up either.  You know, the ones that show up with no costume and say, “Can I have some candy?”

I try to give them a little extra, so when they get beaten up later, and have their candy taken…Maybe they’ll have a little bit left.

 

 

>Snowflakes are like fingerprints are like farts.

 

 

 

>I don’t know much, but…
A place named American Deli, is probably not owned by an American.

 

 

>Anyone else feel like their living underwater?
Ringo Starr glamourized a life aquatic in the song “Octopus’s Garden“, but let me tell you:  It ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

 

 

>One of my favorite things to do is just lounge around in loose clothes, watch TV, and do nothing!  Due to this hobby, I don’t have any loose clothes left.

 

 

>American Idol

Producer: Alright, this show’s too good, we’ve got to stink it up a little bit.  Why don’t we do a group sing, with all the contestants, but prerecord it, and let them lip sync it!  Oh yeah, let’s add an extra judge. 

Will somebody please tell these kids on American Idol to quit listening to the judges and go with their heart!  You can’t make really good music by trying to make really good music.

 

 

>I have spent my whole life choosing my words carefully.  I don’t have many left.

 
 

 

>Why do we enjoy doing things that can kill us?
Are we trying to control our own destiny?  I’d hate to know I gave up drinking and tobacco only to get hit by a bus.  Nobody ever gives up crossing the street!
Death is certain, Life is not.

 

>I fear the Finnish people are coming to an end.

 

 

Whew, I’m glad that’s over!  Let’s get back to some decent content.

Thanks Again!!!

Talking Monkey Out.

   I try hard not to judge, and I am honestly making no judgments here. 

   There is a cashier, working at a local store that I frequent, that is of, shall we say, ‘questionable’ gender.  If I had to guess, I would say former male, becoming female, or, just an extremely masculine female.  Either way, I wish her the best of luck on, what I assume to be, a very difficult road.  I don’t bring this up to exploit her struggle.
    I stopped into said store today and she was my cashier.  What struck me funny was seeing the message come across her computer screen stating,  “Thank customer.  Invite him or her back.”. 
   I bet that really gets on her nerves.

I’ve been catching a lot of flack lately, for not being more topical, so here goes…

I saw an interview today from Pocono International Speedway.  The interviewer was in Jeff Gordon’s motor home, asking him some questions, when I picked up on something very interesting. 

I don’t remember what was actually said in the interview, but apparently, Mr. Gordon is completely out of paper towels.

Yea!  It is finally here!  I have been waiting all week for this day to arrive, and amazingly, it’s finally here…Trash Pick Up Day!!!
I’m sure you’re wondering why anyone would get this excited about their trash being picked up.  Please allow me to explain.
   It all started last Saturday night.  We actually had a weekend with nothing major going on, so we just vedged around the house, all day long on Saturday, (I made that spelling up, vedge is not a real word, but it should be).  Around 6 PM, my mind started craving adventure. The first things that came to mind were crawfish and exotic beer:  Luckily, these were both available in the same shopping center.  After selecting my perfect mix-pack of beer, I drove the 68 yards to the local crawfish provider.  Unfortunately, their sign said they closed at 5.  It was almost 7.  As I was getting ready to back out of my parking space, I noticed one of the proprietors of the Ragin’ Cajun waving me in.  I put the car in park, jumped out and asked if they had any crawfish left.
   “Just 4 or 5 pounds.”, he responded.
  “Cool, I just wanted a pound or so.” I replied.
   “You’ll need more than a pound!”, the R.C. recommended, to which I said, “Okay, give me 2.”
   He came out of the cooler with a large bag and said, “Here’s 5 pounds, we’ll only charge you for two.”
   Cha-Ching!  I thanked them and headed home, dreaming of all the things I could do with 5 pounds of boiled crawdads.   I ate about 2 pounds of crawfish that night and decided to make Etouffee the next day.
  Sunday, I found a recipe that sounded really good, and set out to acquire all my ingredients.  I got all my fixins, cut up the vegetables, shelled all the crawfish, and started cooking.  I guarrranteee that be da’ best ting I evah done ehht!!!  Seriously, this was the best dish I have ever cooked, and remarkably easy!  I’ll post the recipe I used at the end of the post, (minus the few changes I made, which I can’t tell you about).  My wife even raved about this dish, which is rare for her, so I know it was good.  Of course you know something is going to be good when it says, “Start by melting one STICK of butter.”
   So, that’s where the Crawfish Lovefest ends.  For those of you who have eaten crawfish before, you know that there is a LOT of waste left over, after you shell them, (pretty much the whole animal, minus the tail meat).  So now the problem is, what to do with the ‘waste’.  I knew putting them in my trash can in the garage…for a week…towards the end of May…in Georgia, was probably not the best idea,  but hey!  I double bagged them!…How bad could it be?

DAY 1:  Whoa!  I cannot believe they smell already!  Well, it can’t get any worse than that.  My wife probably won’t even notice.

DAY 2:  THE HORROR!!!  My trash can smells like a Thousand Dead Rats!!!

DAY 3:  You can smell it in the house!  You can smell it in the car as you pull into the garage!

DAY 4:  Holding my nose, I sprint through the garage, dive and roll under the closing garage door, and narrowly make it out alive.  After regaining my footing, and my sense of smell, I see deep scratches all over the outside of our garage door.  I quickly spin around and see a bunch of vultures, standing around in a circle, in my neighbors’  backyard.  The vultures keep looking up at me, and then quickly look away when they see I’m looking back at them.  As I run over to them, I notice they are drawing something in the dirt.
   “What’s going on here?!”, I shout as I get closer.
   None of the bald birds budge, but the leader looks up and says, “Move along kid, nothing to see here.  Besides, we’d be doing you a favor.  Now get outta here, before we start throwing up on you.”

DAY 5:  TRASH DAY:  This will all be over soon.  It’s impossible to hold in my sighs of relief as I try to hold my breath while rolling the can out to the end of my driveway.

You could imagine my disappointment that afternoon, when I got home and saw the trash can hadn’t moved!!!  Seems my wife, who was out of town, and very busy, (LU), had forgotten to pay the bill.  Luckily, after some serious discussions, the garbage company agreed to send a truck by to pick up our trash.
   Please don’t hold this against the crawdads; it was all my fault.  And the vultures never actually said anything, about throwing up on me.

Here’s the recipe: http://www.gumbopages.com/food/seafood/etouffee-perry.html

What Robots really say when no humans are around.

 

I’m not a big fan of T-shirts these days, due to my current size.  Let’s just say, T-shirts don’t accentuate my more positive features, like my…I dunno, sense of humor?  However, I do wear T-shirts while working in the yard.  It’s totally a comfort thing, but I figure I deserve it for actually working in the yard.  People may ride by, laugh and point, and say, “Look at that fat dude!”, but at least they’ll say, “Look at that fat dude, working in his yard”.  

     So, I worked in the yard the other day, and wore a t-shirt.  After I finished, I went upstairs and turned on the hot water in the shower.  I stood looking in the mirror, (which my wife says I do a lot).  While I waited for the water to heat up.  I casually glanced down at my t-shirt, and noticed the slogan on it read, “Life is boog”.  It’s weird.  Even in the reflection, the words ‘Life’ and ‘is’, still appeared as themselves, but ‘good’ was now ‘boog’.  ‘Life is boog’, kind of struck me funny, and got me thinking about the actual saying, “Life is good”.
   

     Taken literally, Life is almost always good.  There are exceptions, such as when you’re being severely tortured, or you’re suffering terribly from a tragic disease or injuries from an accident, but most of the time, life is good, when compared to the alternative. 
   When the same phrase is looked at from a religious point of view, you could say, “Life is good, but the afterlife is better!”
  Another way of looking at this simple phrase is “Life is good”, (currently).  When someone asks, “How’s life?”, they don’t want to know what you think of life itself, they want to know how your life is going currently.  If all the planets are aligned, and everything is going your way, (or you just don’t want to go into an explanation of all your problems), then you reply, “Life is good.”
   The way you say “Life is good”, can also affect it’s meaning.  If you say, “Life is Goo-ood” in a voice similar to Wooderson, from the movie Dazed and Confused, then that means things are really going great.  If you say, “Life is…um…good”, with your voice dropping off on the word ‘good’, then you are begging this person to reply with the question, “What’s wrong?”   They should just say “That’s cool”, and quickly turn and run away.
    So is Life good?  Yes, hopefully for all people, life is good sometimes.  Life is also many other things, and they are all important parts of the experience.
   Life is good, life is bad, life is easy, life is hard, life is fun, life is boring, life is scary, life is magic, life is short, life is long, life is just beginning, life is almost over, life is over, life is wonderful, life is dreadful, life is funny, life is sad, life is impossible, life is inevitable, life is beautiful, life is ugly, life is silly, life is serious, life is boog baby, life is boog.
   

Why doesn’t someone make a t-shirt with all that on it!  I bet that T-shirt would fit me just fine. 
Moral of the story, just keep on living.  Whatever life is, it’s all worth it.

P.S.  Sorry there are no gaseous robots in this post.  I’ll see what I can do to correct that omission.

How to make the best of an uncomfortable situation.

GUBNA Imperial IPA
10% ABV
Oskar Blues Brewery
Longmont, CO

Golden Copper with white foam.
Earthy, woody-vegetable aroma.

The East Coast / West Coast feud is over!  This beer is extremely well balanced and at the Toppermost of the Hoppermost.  This is one of the best Imperial IPA’s I have ever had.  Right up there with DFH 90 Minute or (insert any great IIPA here).  This beer is way hoppy throughout with plenty of malt backbone to carry it through.  There is a strong bitter hop finish to remind you where this beer was born.  At 10% ABV you should only have one or two…I had three.  I hesitated at the price, $14.99 for 4, but this masterpiece is well worth it! 

Saaalut!!!

9.98 Bananas!

You don’t wear a freakin’ sock cap when it’s 87 degrees outside! 

Look, I get it, it’s alternative, it’s hip… IN THE WINTER!!!  

Fads should come with ‘Rules on Tape’, ’cause I know these idiots can’t read.
(I would like to apologize to any illiterate people that were offended while reading this post.)

I bet it is really confusing, when a mother bear scolds her cub for going around with no shoes.