Whatever you dream about doing, make a plan, and do everything you can to make it happen.  When I was young(er), I didn’t really think about what I would be doing the rest of my life.  Now that’s all I think about.  I love my wife and child more than I could ever love a career, but just think how much of a better husband and dad I would be if I loved what I did.  Some people just stumble into a career, work hard at it, do fine in life, and then retire.  Other people, (me for example), just stumble around looking for something that fits, something that feels right.  I don’t think that right job ever just ‘comes along’.  I think that all these jobs along the way, that don’t work out, are part stepping stones/part signs, pointing us in the right direction.  I have learned a lot at every job I’ve had; sometimes it’s what to do, sometimes, (most times), it’s what not to do.  The point is, it was all part of the process of making me…And I’m still not complete, but I’m getting there. 
I think all of the jobs I’ve had were signs pointing me towards what I have to do to be happy in life…Happy, we’ll talk about that word some other time.

Moral of the story…Just go for it!  And do it while you’re young, while you have nothing to lose.  Then again, maybe when you’re young, you don’t have the wisdom and experience you need to know what it is you are actually going for.  And maybe you need to have something to lose, like a family.  Maybe that gives you no option but succeeding.  You know, maybe 36 is just the right age to go for it.  Happy birthday Monkey, wish me luck!

I’ll never listen to The Doors song, “Break on Through”,on my Ipod while spreading pine straw, again.  It seems that none of my neighbors are on peyote, and they have no desire to see a fat dude dancing around his yard, like a Psychedelic Indian.

Today was a pretty good day.  Two out of the three public restrooms I stopped in, had Xlerator hand dryers, (the spelling’s right, I looked it up).  Man I freakin’ love those things!  My hands were completely dry before the timer ran out!  At the second hand dryer, I even had time to notice that if you put your palms loosely together, under the Xlerator, you can make a really funny noise that is appropriate for the surroundings.  The other restroom I stopped in had an automatic towel dispenser which worked, so that was ok.  Of course, the towels came out too short, so I had to get two.  By the time the second towel was dispensed, an older gentleman had rushed past me, gone into a stall and locked the door.  Needless to say, my hands were still a little damp when I left that restroom.

                                              We all feel a little crazy now and then.  Never assume that you’re the one that’s crazy, and everyone else is completely sane.  Everybody’s crazy!  (Some more than others.)  Now, if you KNOW for sure that you are 100% sane, you might be the craziest one of us all!  Work ethic, exercise, religion, booze, drugs, sex, causes, etc., can all help hide away the crazy, but it’s still there.  Stay busy: That helps keep it away.  If you ever take the time to stop and look at it all, you’ll see; but be careful opening that door.  Its like that hall closet.  Once all the shit, that you’ve been stuffing away for years, comes crashing out into the floor, you can’t just shut the door.

A lot of times, when I’m talking to someone, I notice that we are making the exact same gestures.  If my arms are crossed, their arms are crossed.  If my face is resting in my right hand, their face is resting in their right hand.  If my pants are down around my ankles, well, you get the picture.  The question is, who made the gesture first?  I’ve always assumed that I was copying them, and I would quickly change whatever it is I was doing.  But maybe, they were the ones copying me!  Maybe I was winning the subconscious battle and they felt more comfortable with themselves by copying me!  Then again, maybe not.

I don’t know when fist bumping first started, but it is rapidly taking over and killing the high five.  My first exposure to the bump was at a dive bar across from my old apartment.  They had dart tournaments one night a week.  I wasn’t a regular, but I did get to compete occasionally.  We always had a dartboard when I was in college.  I wasn’t great, but and I did score much better at darts than I ever did in my classes.  Anyway, in the dart tournaments, you were randomly assigned a partner.  I knew how to play darts, but I didn’t know the ins and outs of dart etiquette.  Every time I would score well, my partner would give me the dreaded fist bump and say, “Good darts.”  While I was unfamiliar with the tradition of fist bumping, I went along with it just to fit in with the uber-cool dart community.

I’ve since had time to reflect on fist bumping and I am now totally against it.  There’s no worse feeling than going in for a high five and realizing that your partner is presenting a solid fist.  Do you quickly close your hand and stumble into a weak wristed, half closed hand, fist bump?  Or do you hold strong with your high five and awkwardly slap their closed fist?   It’s really a no-win situation.  I have decided that I will remain open handed and gently wrap my fingers around their closed fist.  I will then hold onto their hand and just look into their eyes and smile, until they uncomfortably jerk their hand away.  I believe this will effectively end the fist bump phenomenon, one uncomfortable hand holding exchange at a time.

I heard a commercial on the radio, the other day, that really disgusted me.  It basically said that if you are a married man, struggling in your career, it is better to divorce your wife now rather than waiting until you’re successful.  Because when you are successful, you will have so much more to lose.  What a piece of shit!  I know the economy is rough, but is it really necessary to encourage divorce,  just to drum up business?

 All that P.O.S. Is thinking about is his $5000, not the damage and life changing event he is promoting.   And if kids are involved, you think the P.O.S. cares?  Of course he does, can you say custody battle?  CHA-CHING!!!
Marriage is hard enough, as it is.  We don’t need these pointy-tailed, pitchfork totin’ anti-cheerleader types, on the sidelines, putting ‘easy outs’ in our face.  There is no ‘easy out’!  You either put your nose to the grindstone and do the work to make a marriage work or you divorce, and spend the rest of your life working to repair the damage done.  You also pass on that legacy to your kids, and they get to spend their lives working to repair that same damage.  I’m not saying that divorce is never the answer.  I know that sometimes, a marriage can be too far gone to save, and divorce is inevitable.  What I am saying is that today, in our society, divorce is much more common and too frequently looked at as an easy way out.

On a positive note, at Talking Monkey’s Wedding Ring Rental, business is good.

   I have recently noticed a major flaw in a large number of polo style shirts that I own, especially the ones with horizontal stripes.  When I look in the mirror, it appears that the horizontal stripes are noticeably longer, the lower you get on the shirt. I have just recently noticed this and have no idea how long it has been going on, but I am outraged and embarrassed to wear them out in public.

   I have also noticed a problem with vertical stripes on shirts. It appears that the stripes tend to be farther apart toward the bottom of the shirt than they are at the top. You want another example?  How about button-ups.  It seems that now they are placing as many as 2-3 buttons upside down on the shirts!  I have noticed multiple buttons on tucked-in, button-up shirts that actually point directly at the floor or even worse, they point right back at me!  All at the lower end of the shirts!  I am amazed at the decline in craftmanship in the textile industry!

On a similar subject, when did they start making belts in the shape of a boomerang?

Seriously, something has to be done!   Thank God all of my lose fitting, flowerdy shirts seem to be ok…For Now!

(And if none of this makes any sense to you, then get back on the treadmill…Asshole.)